A Miracle?

My mother called me earlier tonight and said that she would support whatever I decide to do. 

That is the first time in my 55 years that she has ever said that to me.

If she can, maybe my son will too.

Thank you, etc

I'm a bad blogger.  I haven't blogged in over a month because I didn't want to keep harping on the same stuff over and over again.  Even though this is supposed to be the place to vent, I hate the fact that all I seem to talk and think about is the situation with my son and his wife. 

And if I didn't mention it before, my mother is no help either. 

When I initially broached the subject with her, she was dead set against it, and knowing my mother the way I know my mother I knew why.  It had to have something to do with money.  So at that point I told her I changed my mind.  However, she asked me again about it the other day and I told her I was still considering it. 

So today, she called me and asked again, and again I told her I was thinking about it.  First she said the most ridiculous thing.  She said if I wanted to adopt someone, I should adopt her.  WTF!!!! I told her because she wasn't a child and I wanted a child to do things with, etc. etc. She said what can you do with a child, you can't do anything with a child.  I said of course you can, just because you never did doesn't mean there isn't anything to do.  So, she started screaming at me that she didn't want her money to go to a stranger - exactly what I knew she would say.  And you wonder why I haven't posted - lol.

But I must thank those of you from the bottom of my heart who did send me positive and supportive comments.  I feel sort of like Blanche in A Streetcar Named Desire when she says " I have always depended upon the kindness of strangers".

As far as adoption news goes, I am switching regions - St. Petersburg to Moscow Region.  So, I have a liitle bit of paperwork to do and need to update a couple of things, but I'll be good to go for the New Year.  Hopefully, things will start moving after the holidays.

Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday. xoxo

Pity Party

I am not in a good mood.

Haven't been since Monday.

Not since I learned from Facebook what a wonderful day with the family and yummy dinner my daughter in law had on Sunday. You see, she doesn't consider me part of her family. I am only her husband's mother. She sees no need for me to be there on Sundays.

So I am not included.

And her husband doesn't care either.

But he is against me adopting.

Because he said it would make things worse.

I said why and for who?

He said I would be bringing another kid into the mix (they have 2, my beautiful grandsons who I get to see once a week by appointment).

He said that would mean there would be another kid around on the holidays (I am invited for holidays).

He said I was too old to be running around after a kid (hmm, but I am not too old to shovel snow myself).

He said what do you want a do-over?

He said, so when you are not invited over for something you think you should be, what are you going to say, don't you want to see your sister?

I said well at least I wouldn't be sitting home alone.

And then I dropped it.

That was in February. I have never talked about it to him since then. But that is when I decided to move forward with the adoption. He probably, no, he definitely thinks I forgot all about it. It breaks my heart that I can't talk to him about it. It's amazing how much a heart can break over and over and again.

Like it does every Sunday.

An introduction

Once upon a time, there was a little girl from Brooklyn whose dream was to grow up and have a handsome and wonderful husband, one boy child and one girl child, a cute dog in a beautiful house with a swimming pool and live happily ever after. And then, as they say, she woke up.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Ellyn. I am old enough to have a grown son, with two little ones of his own, but young enough so that nobody believes me when I tell them that. When I show pictures of my grandsons to people who don't know me, they first ask me if they are my kids. I never get tired of hearing that...but I digress.

Parts of the dream did come true. I do have the beautiful house with the swimming pool and the really cute dog, and as I said, I did have the boy child, but since the husband was handsome but not so wonderful, and I didn't take that walk down the aisle a second time, the girl child, alas, was not to be.

Which brings me to the point of this bIog.

For years, I thought about having another child, but without a husband and a stable and secure life, it wasn't something that I would have considered. I was a young, single, working mother who was also going to school, barely making ends meet for just the two of us. Through the passing years, I often thought about the possibility of adoption, but I was a single woman all wrapped up in the business of being a single woman whose lifestyle was, shall we say, a lifestyle that didn't lend itself to motherhood. I resigned myself to the fact that my time had passed and pushed the idea of having another child so far out of my head, that I forgot about it...or so I thought.

Then, a little more than four years ago, my first beautiful,amazing grandson was born. I was in love. All I could think about was all the things I would be able to do with him and for him as he grew. I could do all the things that I didn't or couldn't do with my son when he was young because of lack of money or time or circumstance...or so I thought

I quickly learned that I was the only one with these plans. My daughter-in-law had and still has a whole other game plan...one that did not and does not include me in any major role. Many battles have been fought and lost, by me. I have shed more tears in the last four years than I ever thought possible.

After much soul searching, It became apparent to me that I still want to be a mother. After years of fantasizing about the little girl I always wanted, it occurred to me that if I really wanted her, I should do something about it. I realized that part of the reason I was so upset about not being able to be what I wanted to be to my grandsons is just that - they are not MY children - they are just my grandchildren. I could stand on my head and cry and scream and reason and plead and beg, but nothing is going to change that fact. If I wanted to be a parent, if I wanted to fulfill my needs, if I wanted to make a real difference in the life of a child, I was going to have to have a child of my own, which at this point in my life equals adoption.

So, I decided to adopt - from Russia - the land of my grandparents.

The fabulous thing about this type adoption, aside from all the altruistic aspects, is that I get to choose age range and gender. However, it is a very long process. The agency I am working with said it is a minimum average of 8-12 months for a referral for a girl from the time my paperwork was sent over and translated which was in July. Girls at any age, apparently, are at a premium - go figure.

So, I am waiting for my little girl.

And yes, my son thinks I am crazy, but that is a subject for another day.